Every Coldplay Album, Poorly Reviewed
When I finished my Beatles review, I couldn’t help but ask myself how I could possibly follow up a retrospective of the world’s most popular band. What could be better than the Beatles?
I decided to review every Coldplay album. Coldplay is one of those bands that everybody knows, but I’ve also never met a seriously hardcore fan of the band. I’m sure they exist somewhere. Coldplay awareness generally falls into two categories. In one camp you have the elder millennials and late gen-xers who only listen to the first two albums, and then you have everyone else who just kind of puts up with it when their songs come on the radio at work.
Coldplay has a reputation for being inoffensive, perhaps overly sappy. Their lyrics are filled with vague platitudes. They’ve been the butt of numerous jokes. They’re also one of the most successful rock bands of all time. Basically, they’re Nickelback for middle-class millennials.
But here’s the thing: I kind of like Coldplay. Not ALL of their stuff, mind you. Much of the criticism is valid, particularly of their later work, but there are some real gems in here as well.
Let’s get into it.
Parachutes (2000)
Best song: Trouble
Worst song: High Speed, but only because I don’t like the way he says the word “bubble”
Overall: 8.5/10
Coldplay was introduced to the world via their now-iconic music video for “Yellow,” featuring a sad, damp British man walking on a beach. This was groundbreaking cinematography at the time. I remember seeing this for the first time on VH1, because even in 2000 they weren't cool enough for MTV. It is a very good song, though.
Parachutes is the quintessential Starbucks album. It's just so COZY. Perfect for grabbing a coffee while impatiently waiting for the rest of your group project team to arrive, or for staring wistfully out the window on a cool rainy night. Every song is good, but there is little variety from track to track. This is very much one of those albums that you need to be in the right mood for it to really hit, but when it does it’s perfect.
Pitchfork gave this a 5.3.
Coldplay fast fact: The band was originally called “Pectoralz”
A Rush Of Blood To the Head (2002)
Best song: Clocks
Worst song: A Whisper
Overall: 8/10
Whoa, what is this? Loud guitars? Is this even the same band? (30 seconds later) Yes, yes it is. “Politik” is a fantastic opener, and it's nice to hear some more moderately-paced energy.
This album maintains a similar overall vibe as Parachutes, but the songs are all just a little bigger, a little fuller. There are way more hooks here, as the band finds itself beginning its slow trajectory towards full pop stardom.
I don’t think I’m being hyperbolic when I say that “Clocks” is one of the best songs ever written. That piano riff is iconic. I think every kid with even the slightest interest in learning the piano tried to play this before giving up and playing video games instead. “Clocks” is the “Stairway to Heaven” of piano amateurs.
“Green Eyes” is the underrated gem here. It’s sappy as all get-out, but beautiful in its simplicity.
If I have one gripe with the album, it’s that the back half is pretty forgettable. The final four tracks kind of bleed into each other.
X&Y (2005)
Best song: White Shadows
Worst song: Twisted Logic
Overall: 8/10
This is perhaps the most 2005 album I’ve ever heard. Brit-rock was having a bit of a revival at the time, with bands like Keane and Muse finding popularity in the States. Something about the bass tone on this album just screams mid-00s. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
X&Y is in many ways similar to the first two albums, but with a bit more of a groove. Speaking of groove, “White Shadows” should have been a single. This song is cool. Kind of reminds me of Interpol.
I suppose we need to talk about “Fix You".” For no reason at all, here is a list of every movie and TV show that has featured this track:
The OC, Without A Trace, Cold Case, Brothers & Sisters, The Newsroom, You Me and Dupree, Yesterday (a Beatles movie, full circle!), Abominable, Tune In For Love, Money Heist, black-ish, 9-1-1, Scrubs, Code Black, Glee, and a cover version was included in The Handmaid’s Tale.
Here’s the thing: “Fix You” is a very good song, maybe even a great song. But it’s so overplayed and so permanently enmeshed in pop culture that it’s hard to enjoy it as just a regular song. Maybe it’s just me.
I love “A Message.” I think I’m just a sucker for nice little acoustic love songs.
Overall, this is a solid album, and I would probably put it on par with Rush, although it suffers from the same problem: too much filler. This probably won’t come up again.
Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends
Best song: Cemeteries Of London
Worst song: Death and All His Friends
Overall: 9/10
It’s a bold move to use an already famous and iconic work of art as your album cover. This painting is hanging in the Louvre! You can go look at it right now! But then again, Coldplay is a bold band. Is bold the right word?
Viva La Vida marks the final transition between the chilled-out minimalism of past albums and the pop maximalism of their subsequent releases. Fortunately, all of the pieces came together wonderfully here, as this is, in my stupid opinion, their best work.
The band had received criticism for writing the same songs over and over, and while I don’t think that’s entirely accurate there is some validity to it. So the band got together with the famed Brian Eno and created something truly different, more experimental. The songs have more interesting structures and instrumentation, and Eno’s influence here is palpable.
“Cemeteries of London” is a moody slow burner with a tight groove. I've had “Lost!” stuck in my head for the past three days, which probably counts for something.
“Lovers In Japan” is an excellent piano-driven track that builds throughout the song before leading into a pretty ballad.
Naming your 7-minute experimental rock song “Yes” is a bit on the nose, but it's a cool track.
The title track is the obvious standout. That string part is iconic. Another case of an overplayed song that is actually very good. Fun fact: four different musicians claimed that this song plagiarized one of their own. The band denied all four claims, although I think Joe Satriani might have a case.
“Strawberry Swing” sounds like a Peter Gabriel song, and I think I’m okay with that.
I like every song on this album. Setting aside my nostalgia for their first two releases, I think this is their strongest overall.
Mylo Xyloto (2011)
Best song: Paradise
Worst song: Up In Flames
Overall: 6/10
Following the success of Viva La Vida, I have to think the band members found themselves wondering “Where do we go from here?” The natural move for most bands who have attained everything is to put together The World’s Greatest Rock Opera. And what we have here is certainly an attempt. The sad acoustic Brit-rock days are far in the past at this point, as the band finds itself fully embracing synthesizers and electronic percussion.
The highlight here is the smash hit “Paradise,” which pops into my head at random at least once a month. PARA-PARA-PARADISE! I can't hear the word “paradise” in any context without thinking of this song. And you know what, this song rules. The build throughout the verses into the massive chorus is perfection. When that bass finally drops, it’s worth the wait.
Unfortunately, that’s about all the praise I have for this album.
“Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall,” another successful single, is boring. Be less boring.
“Major Minus” sounds like a Foals b-side. I like Foals, so this is fine.
The major issue with this album is that it doesn't seem like it knows what it wants to be. The whiplash between gentle acoustic ballads and huge pop choruses is jarring from track to track. This is sort of the problem that plagues most concept albums: if you’re not in on the concept it just sounds like a bunch of nonsense. Perhaps if I spent some time learning the story behind all of this, it would be more enjoyable.
(I didn’t do that)
The Rihanna song (which samples Sigur Ros for that indie cred) is fine, but relies a bit too heavily on “whoas” - actually this whole album has too many whoas. I don't know if Coldplay is entirely responsible for the last decade of “whoas” but I'm going to blame them anyway.
The further into this album I get, the less I like it. “Up In Flames” sounds like a weak Bon Iver song.
I don’t care for this album. They tried to go too big, and it didn’t pan out.
Ghost Stories (2014)
Best song: Midnight
Worst Song: Ink
Overall: 8/10
Per Wikipedia:
“At the 2013 Brit Awards, drummer Will Champion spoke to Jo Whiley of BBC Radio 2 fame, saying in response to a question about Coldplay's sixth album being more stripped-back: "Yeah, that might be nice, actually. There's only so far you can go without becoming pompous and a bit overblown, so we'll tread that line very carefully. Reset. Recalibrate.”’
So at least one of the band members is self-aware. The general idea for this album seems to be “What if Coldplay, but with, like, VIBES?”
Oddly, the band's most ambient album to date was NOT produced by Brian Eno. Lots of synths and electronic percussion going on here, but this time they’re a bit more subdued, even occasionally menacing.
“Midnight” is the coolest song this band will ever write. I actually listen to this song regularly and have it on several playlists. If you're going to rip off Bon Iver, you should at least do it right, and this time they pulled it off. Just leaning ALL the way into the synthy ambient goodness.
The minimalist acoustic track “Oceans” would fit in perfectly on the first two albums, and actually works in this context as opposed to feeling shoehorned in on Mylo Xyloto.
The only thing remotely resembling a single on this album is “A Sky Full of Stars,” which doesn't really get interesting until the beat drops about 3 minutes in. This reminds me too much of Mylo, and I think the album would have been better off without it, but it's fine.
Other bands have done this style better and with more originality, but you know what, this album is good, and a positive course correction from the overblown Mylo Xyloto.
A Head Full of Dreams (2015)
Best song: Adventure Of A Lifetime
Worst song: Fun
Overall: 4/10
After scaling things back and regaining a bit of their integrity, and just a year after the release of “Ghost Stories,” the follow-up was sure to usher in a new era for the band.
Oh no.
Here they are with the “whoas” again right off the bat. I guess “Ghost Stories” didn't do all that great commercially, as they're back on their maximalist pop nonsense.
The Beyonce song is okay I guess. 1.2 BILLION streams on Spotify? I have never heard this song before. How does it have so many streams? I’m beginning to understand why the band might have chosen this route.
“Everglow” sounds like a modern CCM song, but it's not entirely unpleasant. It's nice to hear some piano again. That little riff in “Adventure of a Lifetime” kind of carries the song, but it's catchy.
“Fun,” featuring one of the currently popular Toves, might be the most boring song that Coldplay has released, and that's saying something. Which is unfortunate because I like the Toves.
Almost every track on this album has the same beat and tempo. None of the tracks, save “Adventure,” have any distinct personality. This is the first Coldplay album that I would truly define as “generic.” I really do not like this album, at all.
Everyday Life (2019)
Best song: Arabesque
Worst song: Orphans, Cry Cry Cry
Overall: 8/10
There were rumors following the release of A Head Full of Dreams that the band was breaking up. After such a lifeless outing, it's easy to see why. But fear not, because Coldplay returned four years later with a double album. They already did the concept thing, so a double album was inevitable. I'll be honest: I generally despise double albums. Who has the time? Either pare it down to one thing with the best songs, or release two albums separately. I’m busy. I work for a living.
But you know what, this caught me by surprise. The lyrics are darker, angrier. There are swears! The guitars are back, which is nice. “Trouble In Town” is a menacing, bass-heavy slow burner, leading into a catchy gospel hymn. “Daddy” is a truly heart-wrenching solo piano track.
This album seems like a direct response to the criticism of their previous work. Gone are the massive synths and drum machines. Acoustic instruments make a huge comeback here, which I think is a way better fit. The extended sax solo on “Arabesque” is a highlight, with a funky bass line providing the backbone to what is genuinely one of their best songs. Everything feels so much more organic.
“Guns” is probably the most politically overt track they've ever released. Chris says the F word! “Cry Cry Cry” is one of the few missteps here, going for a 50's vibe and failing to pull it off. The Persian-titled track that refuses to copy/paste into my document is a lovely solo piano turned post-rock song with some interesting vocal samples.
I don't think I'll be going back to this one often, but credit where credit is due. They tried something different, and for the most part, it works.
Music Of The Spheres (2021)
Best song: People of the Pride
Worst song: Humankind
Overall: 4/10
Finally, we've reached the end. At least for now. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. The band releases something cool and creative, and then immediately follows it up with a bunch of generic pop. Some might say this is a cynical attempt to stay culturally relevant. Now, I am not saying that. But some might.
This album came out two years ago and I'm positive I have not heard a single track from this. So this should be interesting. I see a BTS collab here, which is worrying. It has over a billion plays on Spotify! In two years!
The programmed drums and synths are back. Very much going for the trendy “80s but modern” vibe. The “whoas” are back. The platitudes are back. Did they learn nothing from A Head Full of Dreams? “Higher Power” makes me want to stab myself in the ears. It's wild that this came out two years ago and feels dated. I know The Weeknd was really popular for a while, but that already feels like ages ago.
“I know we're only human, but we're capable of kindness, so they call us humankind.” Seriously? I’ve seen painted wooden plaques at Michaels more profound than that.
When did I become so cynical? When did I truly lose my innocence? I wasn’t always like this, you know. But you know what, it’s pretty easy to be optimistic when your band has sold 100 million albums. I can’t even afford a house, man.
Maybe all of the political and socioeconomic strife, the increasingly warming oceans and melting ice caps, and the ever-looming threat of global war, maybe none of that actually matters. Do I need to be more like Chris and just try to feel at one with the universe? Is it possible that I need to turn off my computer, put my phone down, and sit outside with some birds for a while?
They used emojis as song titles!
I genuinely can't remember the last time I had such an immediately visceral reaction to an album. The swearing feels less cool this time. “People of the Pride” is fine I guess. I actually don't mind the weird vocal effect on “Biutyful.”
Do I have to talk about the BTS song? Fine. It's fine. It's a pop song. The hook is catchy. It's fine. I blame Max Martin for all of this.
Well, there. I listened to every Coldplay album, and maybe you did, too. I hope I don’t come across as too critical, because on the whole I genuinely like this band. They just make some truly baffling decisions from time to time. If the pattern holds, the next album should be pretty good, so we have that to look forward to.